It happened in the driveway in about 1966. It was the driveway at the house next door to my grandparents. We were staying there because my dad was in the Air Force and was stationed in Okinawa. The family couldn't go over right away. My grandma was nice enough to let us stay wtih them. Mom was 29 and had 3 young children.
One day I was outside in the front of Nannie's house(that's what we called her). Somehow I ended up talking to this older guy. He was probably in his 20's. He was the nephew, I think, of the two ladies that lived next door to Nannie. I was friends with those to ladies. Anyway, we were talking and somehow I ended up in the front seat of his car. He undid his pants and let me see him. He asked me if I wanted to touch it, so I did. That was about all I can remember. Somehow, I ended back at Nannie' house and my mom was outside and saw me. She started quizzing me on what had happened and I told her. Then she asked me if I touched it. When I said yes she had this look of horror in her eyes and slapped my face real hard and told me I was going to go to hell.
This was pretty much the end of the story. I don't remember anything after that. I don't know if I was upset or not. I had totally forgotten about this until a couple of years ago. I wonder why I remembered it all of a sudden.
I still have questions about that day. Why was my mother so worried about me? Had something happened to her before? I know her mother slapped her a lot growing up and I am sure she told her she was going to hell several times.
I also wonder how come I didn't just give up on trying to be good. I really never caused much trouble and always tried to do the right thing. I could have very easily said, "Screw this whole thing. I am already going to hell, so why bother?"
Because I was told this I wonder how my subconscious was effected. Is this why I am still scared to tell my mother things I do for fear that she won't approve? Is this why I don't think I am that wonderful. Is this why I have trouble asking God for help because I don't think I am worth getting the help? Could all of this stem from that day in the driveway?
21 comments:
Oh, Karen, big hugs to you. It takes alot of courage to post something like this. I'm sure because of the events that happened that day, it has affected they way you can relate things to your mother, plus how you think of yourself. But, I definitely think this is something to seek the Lord for. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Continue to seek the answers from Him. I'll be praying too, Karen!
I guess the issues you describe could stem from that day, which sounds like a pretty traumatic experience. But what occurs to me is this. If that experience IS what makes you feel bad about yourself, it's time to let go of it and revise your opinion based on who you really are and not that day when your mom didn't handle a situation as well as she might have.
Leaving childhood wounds behind is hard work, but it's work worth doing! And you won't have to do it alone, because the Lord wants us to see ourselves as He does. He will help!
=)
Karen... that's so sad. Although it's so painful to relive moments like that, moments that shaped who you became... it's also healing. It's a good thing to acknowledge that on that day and at that particular event, something broke in you. Yours is the FIRST post I read today after writing my post about our identity in Him. That's amazing to me. God is good. You ARE wonderful Karen. Remember that your identity is in Him, not in anyone else or in anything that has been said or done to you. Hugs!!
Thanks for opening up and sharing something personal. There are certain things in my life that I thought were so bad that there was no way that God would forgive me. But, the way that I have learned to deal with it- and maybe this will help you,too, which is why I'm sharing it with you- is that all sin is the same in God's eyes, and so if I can let go of the "little" things, I can let go of the "big," too.
Not that you actually did anything wrong in this scenerio. *HUGS*
Oh my goodness! I'm happy that things didn't go any further than they did. Your mom sounds a bit like mine. Trying to talk to her always seemed to end with me being called a slut and regretting saying anything. It's a shame.
It seems like the generation of our moms really believe it's better to just not talk about these things. They think the victim should just keep it to herself and not embarrass the abuser! It's so backward.
I think it's great that you've shared your story so that other women who have kept quiet will know that they are not alone.
Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I think that, although that incident was a good example, you probably got that message from your mother many other times but in different forms that were not so obvious. What happens to us in childhood does affect how we are as adults, and then it's up to us to recognize those things and work on them... your insight is amazing. I also admire your strenght for not holding anger against your mother and that man.
Karen, first I want to tell you how courageous it is to open up like that. I think so highly of you. I know it's easier said than done, but please know deep in your heart that you are a child of God, and God loves His children unconditionally, which is so difficult for us to comprehend. Even the best parents can't love the way God does. You are His precious child and in you He sees the perfection He created.
We (and I mean you and me and many others) need to stop worrying about seeking our parents approval. 9 times our of 10, they think far more of us than we realize anyway! :)
How courageous of you to share this with all of us!
I have added your button to the "Awesome Blogs!"
Hope you have a great day!
Java
I was molested as a child. When I told my mother, she didn't believe me, (because of who it was). I know this played a huge roll in shaping me and my life. I'm sure your situation did too. It took years and a lot of hard work (once I was an adult) to form a relationship with my mother.
Thanks for sharing. **hugs**
*hugs*
That was very courageous of you to share it and I believe that you will find healing in those areas since you are exposing your wounds to the light. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that and that you've carried this for so long whether you were actively thinking about it or not. I believe that things like that do affect us and the words that parents speak over their children are either blessings or curses. Father God loves you more than you can possibly know. I pray that those curses spoke in ignorance over you are broken and that you will live victorious in this area and every area of your life. I pray that Father wraps His arms around you and shows you just how wonderful you really are.
love, Candace
Today there sure are a lot of sad pour your heart out posts. It definitely all might have started in that driveway. I think the subconscious is a very weird thing, because I've blocked things out of my mind and have remembered them later on in life and am also trying to figure out if that has something to do with why I am the way I am.
We come from the same faith :)
Comforting hugs to you, Karen. What a memory to hold onto. I hope you'll be able to let it go and not blame yourself for any of it. Back then, our moms didn't talk about things like that and we often had to learn things from friends when we got older. It's no wonder we're hearing so many tales coming from our generation.
It's powerful to write something like this, and you did. To write, makes it more real, to talk about, makes it coming "up front", to deal with it, love your mom.
Thanks for sharing.
Oh, Karen. I am so sorry this happened to you! Someone should slap your mother, frankly. It is that kind of ignorance that has led to so much pain and heartache. I can't imagine that experience NOT effecting your self esteem! But thank God that He esteems us! So greatly, in fact, that we were worth dying for...to Him.
Thank you for sharing this story, Karen. Please remember that you are a strong, brave, amazing child of God, and NOTHING is impossible with God!!
Don't blame yourself, you were 6 or 7 and the guy was 20. Your mother probably reacted because she didn't know what to do plus back then everything that happened anytime was always the woman's fault. I remember a boy in school forcing me to do things during class in first grade and I was terrified to tell my mother for fear I'd get in trouble.
Hopefully remembering and writing about it will let it fade away or heal.
Kim
Karen just as Buffey said I too was molested and openly told my mother about the first incident and just as Buffey mentioned my mother too was in disbelief and called me a liar. I hurt horribly and felt ashamed.
A few years passed and I was molested once again this time by a stranger and do you think I told my mother. Sadly no.
That change that occured did stem from off of that first incident. That trust that I had in my mother was no longer there.
Psychologists always say that in situations like what you and I and so many other women have expierenced the first step towards healing is coming to terms with what happened and taking back the control. Empowering ourselves.
I believe you have knowingly or unknowingly accomplished step #1.
(((Hugs)))
WOw, now that is powerful. Every experience molds us in a way and can stay molded that way until we change it. I'm sorry you feel that you aren't that wonderful or that you don't think you are worth God's time for help...but deep down I think you have a glimmer of hope that you are the opposite. You are wonderful, and I would use that little glimmer and combine it with your new joyful experiences and blow it into a full flame of your worth. Great post!
Love your precious heart. I hope that by sharing this with us you can start to somehow put what happened into perspective. I often feel the same way about myself and wonder if things in my past...maybe things I've even blocked from memory...could be the cause of a lot of my fears today. I'm offering up a prayer for you right now!!! And, I also asked God to convict the heart of that boy, if he hasn't already!
In His Love...Deb
What a powerful post to write. I had a similar experience while visiting my grandmother. I was 9. 3 male cousins and I took a walk in the woods and a man walked up and undid his pants and asked if I wanted to touch him..I didn't want to but my cousins urged me to do it..I touched real fast and ran all the way back to my grandmother's. None of us ever said a word. When I was 13; I was raped by my step father and when I told my mother she called me evil and sent me to live with my Dad. I grew up to become a violent crimes and sexual assault counselor..and still do not speak to my mother who has still not apologized.
let's be perfectly clear. It is NEVER a child's fault when they are molested. It is ALWAYS the fault of the assailant...even if that person is related to you and even if no one believes you. YOU are never ever ever to blame. God, it makes me so mad to think about how many little girls and boys have suffered at the hands of sick sick people...and then been made to feel like it was their fault. Let us all put a stop to this.
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