Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Sometimes I Feel Like a Childless Mother

Disclaimer: Before any body gets up in arms, I feel the need to explain myself. This is a picture of my son who I love more than anything. If a train was coming down the tracks and he was on it, I would push him out of the way without any thought for myself. My husband even knows this and accepts it. Daniel comes before anybody. Okay, so here goes nothing. On Feb. 12, 1989 I became a mother because I gave birth to Daniel. But even though he is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone, I still don't feel like a mother. The first reason is that I didn't give birth to him the normal way. I had to have a C-section. So for some strange reason, that doesn't count in my book. Well, maybe for you but not me.
The next thing that happened was that I worked not too long after he was born. Not sure why that was but I worked. So he was in some type of day care.
Then as the months progressed it was clear that there was something wrong. He wasn't developing like he should have. I think when he was a little over a year old, we were putting him on a bus to go to school.
When Daniel was almost 6 we placed him in a group home. Long and hard story but it was the best for all of us.(He is very happy and doing very well)

So because of all of these things, I don't feel like a mother because my experience wasn't the norm. I didn't get to send him to Kindergarten, have him baptized, graduate from high school, go on a mission for church etc, etc. I have just not had the normal experiences that most mothers have. I don't even get to do the day to day things either. I don't even have to take him to the doctor.

But, after all this is said and I feel the way I feel, I would not change it. I would not send him back and start over. I feel very blessed to have Daniel in my life. This whole experience has taught me so much. I just wish I could have had more children.

Thanks for listening to me. Please comment . I love feedback. Oh and Happy Belated Mothers Day to everyone. (this was my Mother's Day Post--a little late I know)

13 comments:

Jill said...

I wish I could say to you that I know why you have this challenge in life, but I don't know. I do know that someday you will find out, in the next life. I wish I could understand why with all your struggles and heart aches of the past, and the present, how you can be so outwardly happy and giving to all around you. Daniel is so blessed to have you as his mother, and someday he will thank you, but it's a good thing you will both be in heaven by then because he will need heavenly words to express his joy to you.

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

This was an extremely touching post. I can't imagine the difficult decisions you've had to make in your life but I admire the fact that you are able to write about them so openly. I look forward to reading more about you!

Squashys Girl said...

Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

It still amazes me how very different our lives are compared to what we once thought they would be. I know mine has. I had all these plans and dreams and its nothing like it thought it would be. But like you I wouldn't change a thing.

~*~Eneida~*~ said...

Wow...that is powerful. Thank you for sharing. I have chosen not to have children, yet, and I'm nearing the big 3-0 next year. I think each experience is so unique, so real, no one can really "know" what someone else goes through or thinks about. You've done an awesome job, everything you could, and you continue to want to do more! How much more special can it get? You're definitely aces in my books:o)

Libby Clarke said...

Aren't you a teacher? In my opinion teachers are much like mothers. They spend more time with our children then we do sometimes and teachers can be such an influence in their lives. I am sure you have blessed the lives of many children.
I too enjoyed the post. Having worked in an Autism program I know how hard it is dealing with those issues and I have so much admiration and empathy for the mothers. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

Cheryl said...

This made me so sad. I can't possibly know what motherhood has been like for you, but I know without doubt that you are a Mother. I'm sure your son would definitely concur.

Kim said...

What a moving post. Too often, I have the opposite problem—I feel like all I am is a mother. Your sharing helps remind me to stop complaining about the everyday routine tasks of taking care of my kids.

Me, Myself and Pie said...

Wow, very touching. Life doesn't always go as planned, but the Lord has a plan in everything. Happy belated Mothers Day. =)

Dayna said...

Hi Karen,
Although I can relate to having a special needs child and some of the heartbreaks and joys that go along with them, I can't relate to having my child live in a home. I can't imagine. I know the Lord givea us His strength for the challenges or should I say "opportunities" He has called us to. Thanks for visiting my caregivers blog! It means a lot.
www.gracetodayblog.com

Kerri said...

Wow...very moving post. I'm sure Daniel knows how much you love him, and you are a Mother in all the ways that count.

Adrienne said...

Bless your heat! Thanks for sharing this with me on Mommy confessions. Your son looks happy as can be, and he couldn't get that way without a fantastic mother. Sometimes blessings don't always look the way we think they should. That's hard. Thanks again for sharing!

Michele Chastain said...

Daniel and I share a birthday. February 12. :)

Elizabeth Mueller said...

I have no doubt you will have more children to come in the next world and what glory shall be crowned upon your head, dear friend! ((BIG HUGS))