I would like to thank Shell for giving me this platform to relate an experience that happened to me when I was 6 or 7 years old. I am not sure why I am writing this. I just feel I need to talk about it and get it out of me. I also want you to know that I am not mad or bitter about this nor do I hold any ill feelings towards the man or my mother. But, if you know my mother, please don't say anythng to her. We have never talked about it. Thanks.
It happened in the driveway in about 1966. It was the driveway at the house next door to my grandparents. We were staying there because my dad was in the Air Force and was stationed in Okinawa. The family couldn't go over right away. My grandma was nice enough to let us stay wtih them. Mom was 29 and had 3 young children.
One day I was outside in the front of Nannie's house(that's what we called her). Somehow I ended up talking to this older guy. He was probably in his 20's. He was the nephew, I think, of the two ladies that lived next door to Nannie. I was friends with those to ladies. Anyway, we were talking and somehow I ended up in the front seat of his car. He undid his pants and let me see him. He asked me if I wanted to touch it, so I did. That was about all I can remember. Somehow, I ended back at Nannie' house and my mom was outside and saw me. She started quizzing me on what had happened and I told her. Then she asked me if I touched it. When I said yes she had this look of horror in her eyes and slapped my face real hard and told me I was going to go to hell.
This was pretty much the end of the story. I don't remember anything after that. I don't know if I was upset or not. I had totally forgotten about this until a couple of years ago. I wonder why I remembered it all of a sudden.
I still have questions about that day. Why was my mother so worried about me? Had something happened to her before? I know her mother slapped her a lot growing up and I am sure she told her she was going to hell several times.
I also wonder how come I didn't just give up on trying to be good. I really never caused much trouble and always tried to do the right thing. I could have very easily said, "Screw this whole thing. I am already going to hell, so why bother?"
Because I was told this I wonder how my subconscious was effected. Is this why I am still scared to tell my mother things I do for fear that she won't approve? Is this why I don't think I am that wonderful. Is this why I have trouble asking God for help because I don't think I am worth getting the help? Could all of this stem from that day in the driveway?