Sunday, March 10, 2013

I Have A Theory

To set the stage I need to go back a few years.  When I teenager and if I was ever asked the question of what do you want to do when you grow up, I would answer get married and have children.  This goal was a lot easier said than done.  (I didn't get married till I was 27 and didn't have a baby till I was 29)

As I went about my life I was greatly tested in these two desires of mine.  While attending college, I read to a blind man as part of a class I was taking.  I had to do some type of service for a handicapped person.  To make a long story short he told me that he had fallen in love with me.  What's the problem you ask.  Well, he was already married.  Just let's say it was an awful situation and we parted ways as to not commit any sins.

Well, I finally got married and had a baby.  My wishes were coming true.  Then I found out that there was something wrong with my baby and I was the "cause" so to speak.  I found out that I carried the Fragile X gene and that my son had inherited it.  Long story short, again, no more kids for me.  Hard, hard thing to deal with.

Now we are fast forwarding to the present day.  I am now having trouble with going to church and work.  This is hard to deal with because church and work are pretty much my life and mean a great deal to me.  I get very scared to go and feel like if I go, I am going to an evil place.  I am loosing my confidence regarding work.  I am feeling like I can't do it any more.  (Don't worry.  I am still going to both)

As I was thinking about why this is so, a thought came to my mind.  I recalled how I was tested earlier with 2 important things to me-marriage and children.  I wonder if this is not the same thing now.

Comments??? Thoughts???  Anyway, I hope I pass this test too.


Mimi Sue said...

Trials are a hard thing to go through! I've been through some myself! The best thing to do is just put one foot in front of the other and muddle through as best you can, calling on the Lord for help and doing the things you know you should be doing. That and faith will get you through! And sometimes a shoulder to cry on! We'll be praying for you and your family as you do this hard thing. Hugs...Mimi

Grandma Honey said...

Work has been very challenging for you this year with all the changes. But what is different about church? I think identifying the problem would be the first place to start. Sometimes when I'm having a hard time with life i just have to slow down and really identify the problem before I can begin to resolve it.

Uncle Tom said...

The doctors have messed up your body with all of the medications.

Kim@stuffcould.... said...

My thought is to do what you are able to do...if it is too difficult to do both...then give it your best. I understand the marriage thing, I got married at 25...when I wanted to be married younger but oh well it worked out

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I'm sorry you are struggling and feeling tested. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

Susan Anderson said...

Sounds like some generalized anxiety to me, and once you've been anxious in one place it tends to recur.

In my observation, the hardest part about anxiety is trying to act "normal" when you are feeling it. I think the best thing to do is just admit to others that you are feeling anxious. After all, there's no law against it, right? And a lot of people have problems with anxiety. Not being afraid of or trying to hide the anxiety goes halfway toward dispelling it.

JMHO, of course.